The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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