I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
