Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
