Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
