I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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