you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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