What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
