What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
