She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
