The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
