I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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