we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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