So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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