He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
