How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Are my feet made of real feet?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
