I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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