Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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