Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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