Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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