This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
