so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
