Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
