why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
