Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The Olympian is in my bed
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
