Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
When did angry sex become our thing?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
