The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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