I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
