I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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