I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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