im about as happy as oj after his trial
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I want a musical about memes.
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