i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
please come you make the beer taste better
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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