my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
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