I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
