when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
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I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
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I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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