i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
