watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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