I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
