So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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