Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
