I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
