Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
