am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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