This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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