I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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