you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
