And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
