i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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