Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
