I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You were trust falling into bushes
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
