I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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