I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
