The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Randomize
