i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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