ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I stole a fireplace last night.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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