Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
