yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
